A client came to a session recently with a problem I hear from senior leaders all the time.
Her team depends on another team to do its job. That team had fallen months behind. Deadlines were being missed, files were going wrong, and her people were spending every day fixing things that should never have reached them.
When she asked the other team’s director why an agreed process change hadn’t gone ahead, the director called her aggressive. From that point on, the director stopped speaking to her directly. Every message went through my client’s manager instead.
She doesn’t manage this person. This person doesn’t manage her. And the work still has to get done.
Why these relationships are so hard
When someone reports to you, you have levers. You set expectations, give feedback and manage performance. When there’s no reporting line, most of those levers disappear. What’s left is influence, and influence runs on trust.
That’s why these relationships feel so exposing. You carry the impact of someone else’s decisions with no authority over them. When the relationship breaks, the usual tools can make it worse.
Leaders in this spot tend to do one of two things. They push harder and get labelled difficult. Or they back off and let the problem land on their team. Neither holds up for long. There is a more deliberate path.
1. Read the person in front of you
My client is warm and relationship-focused. She’s also assertive when something matters. Her instinct was to rebuild the connection: check in, find common ground, smooth things over. She’d tried. It went nowhere.
When we mapped the director’s likely behavioural style, the picture shifted. This director came across as guarded, focused on big-picture problem solving and protective of her reputation. Friendly overtures from someone she saw as a critic would read as pressure. A question about a missed process change would read as an attack.
Understanding someone’s style gives you options. You can choose an approach with a better chance of landing, and still expect them to own how they behave.
Questions worth asking yourself:
• What does this person care about most: results, reputation, harmony or detail?
• How might my natural style be landing for them?
• What have I already tried, and what did it tell me?
2. Rebuild trust through the work
With a guarded colleague, trust tends to come from the work itself. A shared problem, clear goals and visible progress give you both a reason to collaborate, whether or not you like each other.
My client’s next step was to walk into her next meeting with that team prepared. A short list of objective questions. A clear view of the short and long-term goals. Agreed check-in points.
Keep the goals small and close. Two or three milestones over the next few weeks will do more than a grand recovery plan. Each one met is a small deposit of trust. Each one missed becomes data everyone can see.
3. Escalate on impact
Sometimes the relationship can’t solve the problem on its own and you need to go up the line. Their line. This is where many leaders stall, because escalation feels like complaining.
The shift is in how you frame it. My client and her manager set up a meeting with the director’s boss. The plan was to present the operational impact in objective terms: how far behind the work was, what it was costing, and what her team was absorbing. No commentary on personality.
Then two questions:
• What support does your team need to get back on track?
• How can we partner with you on the solution?
Framed this way, escalation becomes an offer of help. It’s much harder to dismiss, and it keeps your credibility intact.
4. Hold your seat
When someone starts going around you, it’s tempting to let it happen. There’s less conflict, and someone else, often your own manager, steps in to keep the peace.
It costs you, though. Each message that bypasses you makes your leadership a little less visible, and the workaround starts to feel normal.
My client’s move was to sit down with her manager and agree that any communication from the director would be sent back to her. Her manager stops stepping in. My client holds the relationship, even when it’s uncomfortable.
If this is happening to you, look at who’s enabling it. It’s often someone on your side with the best intentions.
5. Pick your fights
The same client works alongside another colleague who’s prone to long, heated responses over small things. A three-page email about a scheduling error. A strong reaction to a double booking.
She used to engage every time. Now she chooses. The three-page email got no reply, and the issue settled on its own. The double booking got a light joke, and everyone moved on.
This is a deliberate choice about where her energy goes. Some battles turn a minor mistake into a formal HR matter that eats weeks of your time. Others go to the heart of your team’s ability to deliver. Knowing the difference frees you up for the conversations that count.
Staying steady
Difficult relationships without a reporting line are rarely linear. They take time, and they take a plan.
Get clear on how the other person operates. Anchor the relationship in shared work. Escalate with facts and an offer of help. Protect your place in the conversation. Choose which fights are worth having.
Leaders rise when they stay steady in the relationships that test them most.
If you’re working through a relationship like this right now, these are exactly the moments I help leaders navigate. You can find out more at www.thedeliberateleader.com.au.
