Most of us can think of a conversation we knew we needed to have and didn’t.
Maybe you avoided it altogether, waited for a better moment that never came, softened the message so much the point got lost, or left the room thinking, I should have said something.
It’s easy to assume this happens because people don’t know how to give feedback. In my work with teams, that’s often not the issue. Most people have been taught feedback models, practised difficult conversations and understand why being clear matters.
They still hold back.
The more interesting question is why.
Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety offers one way to understand this, through what she calls interpersonal risk. When you challenge someone’s thinking, disagree with a decision, raise a concern or give constructive feedback, you’re making a quiet calculation about what might happen as a result.
You wonder whether the person will think differently of you, whether it might create tension, hurt their feelings, make you look difficult, or reveal that you were wrong. Underneath that is usually something you’re trying to protect.
It might be you, your reputation, your confidence or your sense of belonging. It might be them, their feelings or their confidence. Or it might be the relationship itself, the trust and ease between you.
These are all worth considering. The problem is when protecting them matters more than having the conversation you need to have.
This shows up most in teams where people genuinely like and respect each other. Being considerate becomes so built into how the team works that challenge starts to feel inconsistent with being a good colleague. Ideas get supported rather than tested. Concerns get softened. Difficult conversations get postponed.
So, what is that costing you? What does it cost to keep carrying something you haven’t said? What does the other person miss out on because you haven’t been honest with them? What does your team lose when a good idea stays inside someone’s head?
Amy Silver calls fear “The Loudest Guest.” I like that idea because the goal isn’t to get rid of fear, it’s to notice what it’s predicting and decide whether that prediction should be making the decision for you.
Next time you find yourself avoiding, delaying or softening a conversation, it’s worth asking what you’re protecting, what you’re predicting will happen if you speak, and what it might cost if you don’t.
Healthy debate depends on people who care enough about each other and the work to say what needs to be said.
If you’d like a fresh perspective on a conversation you need to have, let’s talk.
